Hmm, Titles…


I forgot I need to think of titles for these things…

Evenin’

I missed a whole year, exciting isn’t it? 2015 gone in the turn of a scroll wheel.

Okay, so other things have happened since I last said anything here. I got a job for one thing, 573 days ago. Ate pizza. Made more cakes. Ate steak…

It seems trying to remember a year by looking at the pictures on my phones isn’t very effective. It’s mostly food. Why was I photographing a steak that nice when I could’ve been eating it? Weird.

I remember it well… But I’m far too lazy to transfer that photo from my phone to the computer…

Poor audio balancing annoys me…

So we’re still doing that random side comments without context thing? Okay, I was hoping I’d outgrown that.

Which kind of leads onto why I’m writing this. Well, there are two reasons really, in no particular order, because let’s face it, it’s hard to order two things in any meaningful way.

Firstly, (or secondly, doesn’t matter really, although it would be easier to read them in the order I write them) part of me misses typing out my thoughts. Something nice about talking through the things in my head. I used to write this almost daily, then I moved onto Sodahead, alas that was closed down. The interesting forum side of it at least anyway, I think their pollware thing is still running. And lately I’ve just been talking to myself more and more. I’ll concede talking to myself has other perks, can do it anywhere, helps you make good decisions by talking things through, etc. But I miss the action of typing.

I used to type stuff for school, for Sodahead, and for these. Since Sodahead’s died, at work I mostly type numbers into forms, typing longform text has kind of stopped. And I really miss it. (I also miss my last desk, sure it wasn’t big enough for dual screens, but it was deeper, more space for wrists and keyboards.) Typing is just fun. Well maybe not fun, not in the way things like games are fun, but it just feels nice to do. A more kinetic way of expressing things? I don’t know, I was never really big on expression.

Secondly, censorship. To use the term very loosely, to the point of using it slightly wrongly. I stumbled across my blog accidentally today, and it’s been so long since I wrote this stuff most of it is basically new to me. I don’t remember writing it, I see some things here and think ‘yeah, that makes sense‘, and some of it makes me thing ‘that’s just stupid, you ignorant child!‘ and kinda want to beat myself with a stick. Not that that would help.

There’s a nice theory, can’t remember its name… The fallacious idea that we are ‘done‘. We think that who we are as people is who we will always be. We tend to acknowledge that five or ten years ago we were different, but we always find a way to justify to ourselves this idea that the person we are now is our final form and convince ourselves that we’ll be this way forever. Or at least until we die, because human immortality isn’t a thing yet. Not that anyone’s told me at least. Easy for me right now though, ten years ago I was literally a child.

Looking back at how different I was, in a way irritates me. Also amuses me. I’ve forgotten what point I was making…

Right, censorship, of myself. There’s a voice in my head that tells me to get rid of all that weird childish, whiny crap I used to write, to try and purge this taint from my history. Because what I used to write doesn’t feel like me, it feels wrong for me to leave it attributed to my name. However, if I remove it and I hiding the fact I change as a person? Would I end up in a cycle of posting stuff (less than once a year apparently) and then deleting it a couple of years later? Is that bad? Does anyone care?

Well, presumably no one cares, ’cause no one actually reads this. Well, its’ what 11 days since my last site view… And my site statistics don’t even tell my what search terms they used. That makes me sad…

I don’t really have a conclusion for this… How do I end it? I guess I could be over-dramatic and just end it all.

Except when people say ‘end it all‘ meaning ‘kill myself‘, I feel that’s just massively overstating their own importance. So no, I can’t end it all, unless I find a way to destroy reality.

Maybe if I break the Wheel and destroy the pattern… (Guess what book I’m reading)

I wonder if I’ve said any of this before…

Thanks for reading, ta-ta.

Willski

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