Archive for October, 2012

Times, and directions

Posted in Emski, Family, Music, reminiscing, tedium, The Scaffold, thoughts with tags , , on 04/10/2012 by willsalt

Good evening.

It’s another Wednesday, we seem to get a lot of those. I almost feel like I see one every week… but maybe I’m just going mad.

Anyway, as is becoming the norm for Wednesdays I’m in college. And usual I get here slightly earlier then I needed to. Today, about 10:30 when we don’t start until 11:20. Emski criticized me for that, apparently it’s too early. She didn’t approve of me getting here at 09:45 on Fridays either, just because we don’t start until 14:00.

Now I’m here. Came in early ’cause I ran out of stuff to do this morning, finished a few DVDs, listened to everything I have by scaffold. Didn’t want to move on to new DVDs, or new artist in case I got distracted and forgot to come in at all. What else was I supposed to do?

On a lighter note, someone pulled up next to me when I was walking here, and asked for directions to Tescos, which obviously I can’t provide because I have a total lack of geographical knowledge, and don’t know how to get there myself. Fortunately for me they were even less well informed about local locations than I, so I sent then to Morrison’s instead.

Didn’t tell them of course, I guess they probably figured it out when they got there.

Hey, look at that. I got post. A Turisas lanyard, and a note telling me that due to at technical error, they failed to ship it with my last (and only) order. Well, that’s nice of them, I didn’t even know I was supposed to get one. I know I didn’t pay for one or anything, is it some sort of promotional thing? I could check, but to be honest I’m not that interested.

And on that note of disinterest, I’m going to post this thing.

Thanks for reading, ta-ta.

Love Willski.

Motivation & Depression

Posted in Family, Father, Mother, Pets, Rants, reminiscing, tedium, thoughts on 03/10/2012 by willsalt

Good evening.

Another enthralling two hour rant from my father, combined with a 40 minute discussion with my mother this afternoon left me with some interesting ideas floating around in my head.

Start with the cat note. Supposedly we can’t allow the cats to live in the house, and parents have been keeping them out with a 100% success rate for days. When one comes in, you have to immediately grab it and throw it outside, sounds rather mean in my opinion. So, about 3 minutes ago I heard some meowing outside my door, and found a Zorro on the landing. (Upstairs, where apparently no cats have been able to get for days). So, I walk downstairs, he keeps talking, and follows me, I walk through the hall, back lounge, and into the kitchen (shutting doors behind me in case he decides to go back). There we have a nice little chat about cruel people forcing the cats to live in the utility room, which he willingly runs in to when I open the door.

Now, compare that to my father’s idea of how that works. I did not have to grab the cat, it didn’t have the unwillingness to go where I wanted it to that he talks about. Didn’t try to claw me when I reached for it (admittedly I was going to stroke it, not pick it up). In my experience, it works like this with most of the cats. Occasionally with some of them, usually Scar face or one of the little kittens, you may have to pick them up and carry them out of the room they shouldn’t be in, but they never scratch, bite or struggle (unless I walk near parents, or occasionally Wayne). Maybe the cats just like me more.

Another example, when there’s a lucky sitting on my bed, I can “belly flop” onto the bed next to her, and at most she’ll look at me like I’m an idiot. When Mother’s in the room, if I just sit on the bed she jumps up and runs to the other end.

Anyway, enough about human-cat interaction.

Secondly, interesting discussion with my mother; in that we established that while I generally consider myself a deceptively positive person with force pessimistic tendencies, but a general willingness to live, fascination with life and the things it entails, she considers me clinically depressed and liable to commit suicide. So slightly different from how I view myself.

Let’s play with definitions, because that’s what I do when I’m bored.

Wikipedia says:

“Depression is a state of low mood and aversion to activity that can have a negative effect on a person’s thoughts, behavior, feelings, world view and physical well-being. Depressed people may feel sad, anxious, empty, hopeless, worried, helpless, worthless, guilty, irritable, hurt, or restless. They may lose interest in activities that once were pleasurable; experience loss of appetite or overeating; have problems concentrating, remembering details, or making decisions; and may contemplate or attempt suicide. Insomnia, excessive sleeping, fatigue, loss of energy, or aches, pains or digestive problems that are resistant to treatment may be present.”

So of those, state of low mood, I’m quite happy most of the time. When I’m not, it’s usually because a game’s frustrating, which often makes me more amused than frustrated, and still quite happy. Alternatively, if I’m bored for some reason, such as when walking too college, there’s nothing to do on the way there; or when someone’s ranting at me, or hitting me with a lamp stand for attempting to answer a question accurately rather than lying to give them the answer they want.

Aversion to activity, I don’t have that. I’ll concede, I spend all day cooped up in my room on my computer, but I’m active while I’m there. Not physically active, but I would be if the things I find interesting (reading, gaming, etc.) required it.

Neither of those has any of the effects specified in the rest of the sentence.

I’m lazy, so I’ll just do this part as a list.

  • Feel:
    • Sad: We covered this one.
    • Anxious: nope.
    • Empty: far from it, if anything I feel like there’s too much of me in here.
    • Hopeless: while there’s not much I hope for, I’m not hopeless, that normally has more to do with feelings of impending failure and all that.
    • Worried: I worry about nothing, well nothing rational. There’s the paranoia that I try to avoid mentioning, where I’m concerned someone may be watching my every move, but even that I don’t worry about.
    • Helpless: I don’t recall knowingly experiencing helplessness, except for one dream with a wolf. I think dreaming about being dismembered by a wolf probably means something else anyway. But I’m always of the belief that most circumstances can be improved, one can usually help oneself. Obviously, there are cases when this doesn’t apply, for example when freefalling towards earth, stark naked from the ISS with no equipment you’re pretty helpless.
    • Worthless: this is an interesting one. I know on the societal level, as an unemployed young male, I’m pretty worthless. On the familial level, within my family, I’m pretty worthless, operating as a drain on resources while providing little more than a stream of mockery and insults, “smart-arsed comments” and criticism.
    • Guilty: I don’t feel guilt, well not about significant things. I feel guiltier about killing Khajiit’s in Skyrim, than about insulting family members. (Heh, murder > insults.)
    • Irritable: not at all with this, I’m the least irritable person I know. Patient to the point of fault, even when it comes to someone mocking, or prodding me.
    • Hurt: this lacks context. The traditional hurt feelings? That’s not happened for as long as I can remember, even when my mother tells me it’d be better if I just killed myself. But I only seem to get hurt in the physical sense. And even then not often, without the decelerated healing linked with depression or stress.
    • Restless: nope. Admittedly, it’s 00:27 am, and I’m up writing a blog post, but I’m not restless, I don’t pace unnecessarily, except as a substitute for exercise, and I don’t lose sleep, I just shifted sleep cycles.

     

    • May lose interest in activities that once were pleasurable: Not at all. The activities I find pleasurable, e.g. gaming, haven’t changed for… when did I first get a gaming console? Or did I game on PC before then? A long time. Warhammer, I don’t do for financial reasons, DnD I don’t know anyone who DMs, and my own campaign writing is hindered by laziness, and an unwillingness to write anything down. (I want to write it by hand, ‘cause it’s easier, but that’s less convenient than typed and no one can read my handwriting. But then typing, it’s harder to add diagrams, sketches etc.)
    • Experience loss of appetite: I eat a lot.
    • Or overeating: I’ve always eaten a lot, yet at 5’10” I’m still only 56kg. Maybe I have worms…
    • Have problems concentrating: Not on things that interest me. Obviously if you try to get me to concentrate on paint drying I’ll have problems, (actually I’ve done that for fun before, so maybe I do have problems… 😛 ) but gaming, reading, coding, general learning and the like, I can concentrate on fine. Even great at concentrating on multiple things at the same time. Such as maintain a conversation with mother while I was fighting Romulans. It’s kind of depressing that Word doesn’t know “Romulan”.
    • Remembering details: my memory’s great. Okay, I can’t remember faces but that’s nothing new. Details, this is hard to prove here. Interrogate me on something, that’d work better, because while off the top of my head I can say that the not-werewolves (but also not normal humans) of the quileute tribe have a natural body temperature of 108.9 degrees Fahrenheit, and that on a “brain day” in year 8 I was given a list of things to remember that consisted of “Door, Mat, table, lamp, cat, stairs, dog, carpet, box, shoe” that’s just two specific things. As facts they’re not details.
    • Making decisions: Okay, this one’s right. I’m bad at making decisions, deciding what to do, where to start, and so on. The only decision I seen that good at is what to eat. But for that I need options in front of me.
    • Contemplate or attempt suicide: I have done this, but only considered it for comic or dramatic effect. Never seriously as a life choice.
    • Suffer from:
      • Insomnia: Nope. I don’t have issues sleeping. Well, I have difficulty getting to sleep, that normally takes me 1-2 hours of lying in bed doing nothing with no notable stimuli, like a TV to distract me. But even that’s frequently broken when I sometime “drop off” while watching TV.
      • Excessive sleeping: Nope. Not excessive, just poorly timed.
      • Fatigue: Nope.
      • Loss of energy: Nope.
      • Aches: Nope.
      • Pains: only when I’m injured. And the occasional throbbing pain in my arteries/veins/other notable blood vessels.
      • Digestive problems: nope, well none I’ve noticed.

So of that list, there are something like 25 criteria up there, I meet one wholly and a few partials. I think that’s a not depressed. Or greatly in denial.

Onto the final part, motivation.

This stems from the rant from my father, a man who doesn’t seem to understand this concept. The example that was the basis of much of his rant is my education. My incentive is the qualifications I get at the end of it. That motivates me enough to do the bare minimum. He doesn’t understand that I’d need greater motivation to give up the pleasures of my life, (gaming, reading, TV etc.) and focus fully upon the education. But I lack that level of motivation. I can coast on my natural intellect, which I both overestimate and underestimate, so I do. But, here’s the important part so pay attention, just because I don’t have the motivation to go the extra mile; doesn’t mean I won’t go whatever distance is required before the extra mile. That’s a saying I find it hard to elaborate upon.

Now, I could continue to rant and whine for another few dozen pages, and hours, until I’m blue in the face. An inaccurate saying, I’m typing not speaking. Until my fingers are bleeding, or until they’ve worn down to the bone, and the clacking of carbonated hydroxyapatite on plastic finally pisses someone off so much they make me stop, or the blood loss causes me to pass out. Or causes the keyboard to malfunction or break. I guess then I could use dictation software, but my previous experiments with that proved ineffective.

On that non-closing note, I shall end.

Thanks for reading. Ta-ta.

Love Willski.

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